Made of Solid Gold

Not too long ago, I had a friend share a little wisdom with me, “A break up is like breaking open— you are coming to.” Not too long after, I found myself looking into a mirror in the eyes of a broken girl who was once filled with fire had nothing left but a small spark.

In this very moment, I am not okay. If you want the truth of how I’m really doing, my heart hurts. It feels like a cave in my chest and it’s hard to breathe. I haven't had much of an appetite and I am having horrific dreams. I am a woman made of twisted steel with golden armor, but the cracks and the small openings let in more hurt than I could possibly imagine.

This hurt and ache I feel, I am not immune to. Each heartbreak has its own kind of sting and this one is especially unique. I can’t tell you exactly why I decided to leave my perfect relationship or cause so much grief upon myself, except for the haunting feeling of something missing. As my world heats up and I step closer to the fire of my goals and dreams, but my armor breaks around me. The cracks let in heat and I fold to the fire rather than becoming it.

Out of pure anger with both hands I grasped my armor and I broke myself open. Leaving my vulnerabilities and sadness like a raw wound for the world to see, but more importantly, for myself to see. I tried to wash off the sadness like oil on my skin with too many showers and the raw sting of my wounds left me engulfed with exhaustion. And like an infection, people seeped into my life and took advantage of my healing. Stealing what little strength I had to heal themselves, but I discovered those enormous feelings are much stronger than I thought. With the last bit of fight I had, I stood up from those places I did not fit. I stripped the bad pieces of my armor and began to heal. My vulnerabilities were never my weaknesses, they were my strengths.

There is something strange about coming to terms with what makes you weak. It could be a person, a place, or a memory. Sometimes lust or desire can reek havoc on a fragile giving heart. Anything that cripples you to your knees can shrink you into places you don’t fit. For me, I found my fears and insecurities kept me from pursuing what I want leaving a reflection of a sad girl with a split shield and busted armor.

My friend was right, after a break up it’s like being broken open, but now I am coming to. I have awakened the woman I am suppose to be. With one piece at a time I started putting my armor back together. I’ll make myself out of golden compassion, grit, and an electric energy that allows me to become the fire. This armor will protect me as I venture through the fires amongst my deepest and most daring desires. But it will also protect the most beautiful thing about me… my heart.

Perhaps in breaking open, we have to live amongst the blaze of a fire to emerge made of gold. And my darling… your heart is made of solid fucking gold.